my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
