I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
