My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Fuck appropriateness.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
