Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize