no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
