So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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