You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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