We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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