i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
