Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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