Just mADE A PArabola og urine
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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