So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
