So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
