I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Randomize
