you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
