Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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