And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
