You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize