Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
