Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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