It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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