The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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