We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize