well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
