How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
