he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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