my room smells like sperm. sweet.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize