I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
last night I used snow as a chaser
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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