I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
meet me or not, i'm out of control
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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