You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
