My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
foreskin is a definite game changer
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
