WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
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