Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
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