the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Randomize
