If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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