i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
