Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
