By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
