i just wanna soil my oats bro
So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Randomize
