I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
