drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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