she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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