allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
