Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Randomize
