Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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