one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
