yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize