You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
why do cheetos always look like penises
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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