I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
