I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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