I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
ya dads aren't the best wingmen
You're so nebulous sometimes
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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