I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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