i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
