Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
