her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
