did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
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