the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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