he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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