I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
