you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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